What if Lorian Was in the Mafia?
by INKSPELL'D
Summary: This is a collection of 'What if...' one shots about the characters in the GOT trilogy. What if no one had interesting eyes? What if Matt grew his first stubble? These questions must be answered! Everyone is very OOC! Dr. Reminder says: Remember to R&R!
1. If Lorian was in the Mafia

**Hii! My friend and I had these ideas a little while back, and I think that they deserve to be put into fanfiction form. ****A reminder: this whole story isn't just about Lorian in the Mafia.**** That's just a story in this fic, said fic having a collection of 'what if' stories. What if no one had interesting eyes? What if Matt grew his very first beard? You will indeed find out.**

**Oh, and there are spoilers for the Dark in this chapter, a spoiler that's only revealed at the end of the book. So if you have not completely FINISHED the Dark, don't read this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Dude, seriously? If I owned GOT, I'd find some way for Arkarian to lose his wings so he'd be stuck with me and couldn't get away. But as you can see me in my Arkarian-less state, I do not own the trilogy I adore so.**

**Dr. Reminder says: Remember to R&R! :D**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**What if…**

**Lorian was in the Mafia?**

A knock was heard on the plain white door of his office. The window shutters were closed just enough that little streamlets of sunlight found its way through the cracks, illuminating the dust floating around in the air, yet somehow not the man's face, the man that was sitting behind the desk. Well, he's not a man, really, nor is he a woman. But for now I'll call him a 'he', since no one can really say that Lorian is a girl. Did I just say his name? Crap. It was supposed to be dramatically revealed in slow motion, to create more anticipation. You know what? I don't care anymore. Let's get this plot going.

The knock echoed through the silent room, and a husky, not at all attractive Italian-sounding voice, called out, none too loudly, "Come in."

The door creaked open, a hand, then a foot emerging through the opening.

"Oh, get in here, boy!" Lorian growled.

Arkarian crept into the dark room, squinting so he could see. "Why don't you just turn the lights on? You're gonna ruin your eyes."

Arkarian could see his father glaring at him now that his eyes had adjusted. Lorian motioned for Arkarian to sit.

Lorian folded his hands in front of his face, so only his violet eyes were visible. Arkarian, in the uncomfortable leather seat, swallowed.

"You come to me with a problem… Arkarian, my son, how could you come to ask me, your own fah'da, such a 'ding?"

Arkarian's expression changed from fear to disappointment. "But _daddy_! I want a puppy! Why can't I just have this _one_ thing? You are _soooo_ unfair!"

Lorian sighed. "Arkarian, I am the _don_ of 'da _mafia_. And you want a puppy."

Arkarian put out his bottom lip and filled his eyes with tears. Nodding, he sniffed.

Lorian rubbed his temples as he stood from his big leather chair, beginning to pace behind his ornate mahogany desk. "What went wrong?" He mumbled, shaking his head. "Was it because I wasn't _there_ for 'dose first 'undred years? What kind of boy needs his fah'dah _'den_?"

Sighing again, Lorian sat down and looked at his son. Face straight, he said, "You really wan' a puppy."

Arkarian nodded vigorously.

Arkarian's father stared at him for a very long moment. Finally he shook his head, shoulders slumped. "Go get your puppy. But don't tell no one, you hear?"

Arkarian squealed happily, hugged Lorian and kissed his ring. With a, "I'm getting a poodle!" he ran out of the office.

Lorian stared after his son, wondering what he had just let loose. Suddenly Sir Syford burst through the door holding a bazooka with one of those hats on that detectives wear. "Little Johnny squealed." He spat, settling the bazooka on his shoulder.

Lorian grabbed the machine gun from under his desk and cocked it. "Let's go."

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Yaaaaay! Chapter one is ova! The next chapter: What if Artemis was dating King Richard? Warning: You might want a little background knowledge about Greek Mythology.**

**Find out next time! Remember Dr. Reminder!**

**Dr. Reminder: R&R or DIE**

**Doctor! Watch yourself! You'll get us both arrested again!**

**Dr. Reminder: But they ****SHOULD**** R&R!**

**I know that, Dr. Reminder, but that is no excuse to threaten people with their lives!**

**Dr. Reminder: :(**

**Now get outta here, you homicidal man, you.**

**And there you have it. I'm having imaginary conversations with a non-existent doctor.**


	2. If Artemis was Dating King Richard

**Chapter deux is up! I think that's how you spell the French number 2. It could also be deaux, but I don't think so. It could ALSO be something really weird like their word 'yes'. When you're little you always think it's spelled something along the lines of 'wi', but no! It's just shoved in your face that it's spelled 'oui'. How absurd is that? That's why I never bothered learning the French language.**

**That was your French lesson for the day, kids! Never bother to learn French 'cause it's too difficult! Continue being lazy Americans! No one will question you! Learn Italian instead! Yeah!**

**To all those adoring French fans out there who somehow know English because they're over-achievers: How the heck are you able to survive? If you're here right now, that means you read GOT. So… you read an AUSTRALIAN book in FRANCE in the ENGLISH language. Dude you need a life.**

**Don't even get me STARTED with Norwegians!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the GOT trilogy. I don't own France or Norway, the stupid commies.**

**There are spoilers for the Key in this chapter. They're tiny, though. Also, Arkarian is very OOC.**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**What if…**

**Artemis was dating King Richard?**

It was a bright and sunny morning, Arkarian could tell, even though there weren't any windows in the small room in the middle of a mountain. Even though Arkarian usually didn't sleep there, he'd stayed up all night with Isabel watching really bad Godzilla movies and playing board games like chutes and ladders. After he'd sent Isabel home, he was too exhausted to use his wings to go back to his room in the Citadel. What, Arkarian can't be lazy? Come on! He lives in Australia for crying out loud!

The ageless man sat up and stretched, mouth opening up big to yawn. He tried to step out of bed, but his foot got caught in the sheets and he fell, face first, to the floor.

"Oww…" Arkarian moaned, tenderly touching his nose. A little ways off, the pitter-patter of claws slowly got closer. Suddenly something licked his cheek, and Arkarian dislodged himself from the mess of sheets and hugged his pet poodle.

"Guess what, Mr. Cuddles? I get to see my grammy today!

Mr. Cuddles made barking and yipping noises.

Arkarian nodded. "Yeah, I know. Marianne Curley messed up. Artemis and Athena are both girls, and she said that they had kids! That silly author-woman. But I try not to think about it much. Today I'm visiting Artemis!

Mr. Cuddles began licking Arkarian's face.

"Okay, Mr. Cuddles, but I need to get ready now." With that, Arkarian got up and snapped his fingers. Instantly he was clean, his hair brushed, pajamas replaced with day clothes. Everyone knows that Arkarian has magical alchemical abilities. It's elementary!

Saying goodbye to his poodle, the incredibly awesome blue-haired man used his wings to transport to the Citadel.

**_IN THE CITADEL_**

"Hi, daddy!" Arkarian called as he entered Lorian's chambers. Lorian, who was sitting at his desk reading the newspaper, sighed.

"Arkarian, there's something you should know before you go to see my mother."

Lorian's son sent his father a confused look. "Who are you talking about? Artemis or Athena?"

Lorian was surprised. "What!? Artemis is a _chick_!?"

Arkarian sighed. "You're just as bad as Marianne Curley! They're BOTH godd_esses_ of the moon and wisdom! You are so _clueless_."

Lorian shook off his flabbergastedness and ran his fingers through his hair **(AN: I imagine Lorian without ANY hair, but I gave him some for your comfort. I've found out that most people imagine him un-bald…)**. "I'll try not to think about that much. But about that thing I was talking about—"

His son interrupted, "It's okay, dad. Mr. Cuddles is completely paid for."

The Immortal raised an eyebrow. "Mr. Cuddles?"

Arkarian nodded robustly. "Yeah, the poodle you let me get. I didn't know you could be _that_ forgetful, dad! Oh, well. I'm off to Mt. Olympus! Bye!" With that, he used his wings and was gone, leaving his father alone in his office.

Lorian slumped down in his chair and hid his face in his hands. Mr. Cuddles. His son had named his very unmanly _poodle_ the extremely ago-depleting name _Mr. Cuddles_. Where did he go wrong?

**_ON MT. OLYMPUS_**

Arkarian found himself in the giant throne room looking for his grandmother. He found Hephaestus there buffing his own chair. It took a moment for the god to notice him.

"Arkarian, my boy! How are you?"

Arkarian smiled at his great-uncle **(AN: Or something.)**. " I'm fine, thanks! Do you know where my grandmother is?"

"Who? Artemis or Athena?"

"Artemis."

"Yeah, I try not to think about that much."

"Me too."

"Well, I think she's on a date with one of your king people. Who was he? Ricky? Raul?"

"Richard?"

"Yeah, yeah. Him. King Richard. That guy's quite egotistical."

This information sent Arkarian reeling. _King Richard!?_ "I gotta go right away!" Arkarian ran out of the throne room.

Hephaestus called after him; "She's in the café down the mountain!"

"Thanks!"

**_IN THE CAFÉ DOWN THE MOUNTAIN­_**

King Richard sipped his smoothie. The silence was quite awkward between them. Artemis, in a human form in which she was wearing a plait of light brown hair with blue eyes, stirred her berry smoothie with the tip of her spoon.

"So…" Richard said, leaning back in his cushioned chair. Artemis didn't even glance at him.

"SO…" Richard said, louder.

Artemis looked up at him and glared.

At this moment, Arkarian burst through the door. Café Olympia was completely void of people, because hardly anyone went there after it got shut down for major health issues. No one had cleaned the garbage disposal, bats had lived in the rafters, books were being mistreated, no one washed their hands, Conan O'Brian had been found under the stove multiple times, the coffee was always cold, etc., etc. But now it was under new ownership, and Ring Richard had assured Artemis there were no more health issues to worry about. There were even several Conan traps set up, just in case.

When Arkarian spotted Artemis, he shouted, "Grammy!!" The ageless man smiled widely as he ran to his grandmother.

"Oh, hello, Arkarian," Artemis gave her grandson a small smile and a little hug. "I'd forgotten that you were coming today."

Meanwhile, King Richard was staring at the two people with wide eyes. "Y-You guys are_ related_!?"

Arkarian smiled widely at the King. Nodding enthusiastically, he exclaimed, "Yeah!"

Artemis stared blankly at Richard, as if daring him to say anything. "Is there anything wrong with that?" She said slowly.

"Uhm…" King Richard stammered, looking frantically between Arkarian and Artemis. "N-Nothing's wrong with that! Nothing at all! I just, ah… have something to do. You know. King stuff. With Viridian. I'll just be leaving!" With that, Richard was gone, using his wings to escape the awkward situation.

Arkarian sat in the King's seat, looking ashamed. With his bottom lip sticking out, he said, "Sorry I ruined your date, Gramma." He took a sip of the leftover smoothie in front of him, crinkling his nose in distaste. He hated banana smoothies.

Artemis patted Arkarian's hand. "It's alright, sweet. I wasn't ready to see anyone. It's still too early."

Arkarian nodded gloomily, remembering how Athena had told him the story of Atremis and Orion. Artemis had been tricked into killing a guy she liked by Apollo, who was, as always, playing the "I'mma big broddah so I has ta protect my lil sistah! :D" act.

Speaking of Apollo, or, thinking, rather, he came rushing in to the café, looking quite frazzled. Seeing Arkarian and only the back of Artemis's head and mistaking her for someone else, he cried, "Where's Artemis!? Has she gone with Richard yet!? Ah, jeez, she's always doing this!"

Before Arkarian could say anything, Artemis had stood up and turned to her brother, fuming. "I AM _RIGHT HERE,_ APOLLO!! I CAN HEAR EVERY WORD YOU SAY! AND IF YOU THINK I'M JUST SOME GIRL WANTING TO _THROW_ MYSELF AT ANY GUY I SEE, YOU'LL BE _DEAD_ AS QUICKLY AS HERA GETS SUSPICIOUS OF ZEUS!!"

Arkarian gulped as Apollo turned white. "Um, well… I…" Apollo stuttered, holding up his hands defensively.

Arkarian decided to leave when Artemis pulled out her silver bow and arrows of death.

**!!!!!**

The ageless man was walking down a hall of the Citadel, his blue hair swinging behind him, trying to forget the happenings that had occurred that day. As he was walking, King Richard passed him.

"Girls," the King muttered.

"Yeah," Arkarian replied, exasperated.

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Yaaay! End o chapter deux!!**

**Stupid French and their Australian-English reading.**

**And as for the longness… I can assure you I've no explanation. Other than forgetfulness. Yep, that's pretty much it.**

**Join the Guardians of Time in the next installment!:**

**What if Matt grew his first beard?**

**Click the button! Click it! Go! Its green! And square! Click the button! Review!**


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